These few weeks my schedule has been so packed. Meetings, behind-the-desk work, teaching and events have been on my agenda for good 15 days. I have to make decisions, think quick on my feet, and at the same time make time for the things that matter.
And for these past two weeks there had been in my heart this mild anxiety — for a lack of a better word — something that leaves me restless. But this anxiety was so mild, I could feel it but not really put it in words.
I was restless and somewhat worried that I would neglect GOD in the midst of my busyness, because it could happen so easily in a tight schedule. The last thing I wanted to happen was not involving Him in my decisions, not acknowledging Him in my meetings, and instead, doing everything on my own strength and going back to my old perfectionist self.
This anxiety-slash-worry-slash-Unidentified-Feeling-Object had happened behind radar, until three days ago at a prayer meeting. We had a one-on-one praying time and my dear friend identified this feeling in her prayer, for which I was grateful.
GOD has been doing His works in me so much so that I develop this high level of dependency on Him. It is the kind of dependency that even the thought of not having Him would break my heart. This is, she calls it, a symptom of great dependency.
Pondering on the prayer of my friend, I realize this is probably what it feels like to love someone. To love someone so dear that he becomes the world to you, and more. To love someone so much that you become so dependent on him or her. It is my hope that I will continue depending on Him in everything, being in tuned with Him every second of my being, keeping Him and His heart in mind at all times.
Since I often think in images and melodies, a classic song came to mind, You Are by Darlene Zschech and Ron Kenoly.
You Are
Darlene Zschech & Ron Kenoly
You are the love of my life
You are the hope that I cling to
You mean more than this world to me
I wouldn’t trade you for silver or gold
I wouldn’t trade you for riches untold.
You are, you are my everything
I wouldn’t take one step without you
I could never go on.
I couldn’t breathe on breath without you.
I don’t have the strength
To make it on my own
Until the world stops turning
Until the stars fade, from the sky
Until the sun stops striving
I need you in my life and heres the reason why!
Lord, let my heart be your home. Let my whole being be the very place where You are.
I can’t bear the thought of not being with You. Apart from You I am nothing. Without You I will be lost, lost in my own self-will, ambition and idealism. Leaving You alone while I am busy working will cause me disoriented and restless.
Let my heart be a cozy place where you love to stay, for You are my everything and You mean the world to me.
persnickety flats 